Reporter Drops the Front

My sides still hurt from laughing. You can take the brotha outta the hood, but...you know.

NAME THAT SAMPLE ROUND 2

This is is especially for Andrae!!!!!

Lets see if anybody gets this one.

Man i wish crack hadn't got this guy!

--Luxe Brown

OKAY...NAME THAT SAMPLE ROUND 1

Come on you can do it.  This is easy.

IN THE BUTT!!!!!!!

THIS IS PURE COMEDY....GO AMERICA!!!!

IM SPEECHLESS ABOUT THIS NEXT ONE!!!!!

THIS DUDE IS OFFICIALY THE KOOLEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!!!!!

Wow this guy is liek a superstar...He has like 22 Million Youtube Views......Pretty Cool!!

But Check out this guy. No mater what people always wanna one up you, by any means.

LMAO!!!!!! THIS IS REALLY ENTERTAINING ME!!!!!!

--harder, better, faster, stronger...im glad ya'll got them cuz i'm not doin' that crap!

--Luxe Brown

IM BAAAAAAAAAACK BIZNICHES!!!!!!!

OKAY SO HERE WE GO!!!! 

I was watching TV the other day and i started noticing some really "questionable" lookin' hair styles.  Namely braids.  Now, when executed correctly braids can be a cool looking thing but when you do what the following people do, YOU JUST NEED YO' ASS WHOOPED!!!!!

Pay close attention to what not to do:

TRAGIC!!!!!!

OLD ASS....KNOW HE BALL HEADED AT THE TOP....WITH YAKKY PERM WEAVE!!!!

OOOOOH! HE LOOKS LIKE A PISSER WITH THOSE BRAIDS.

NOW HE JUST LOOKS LIKE A PISSER WITH GOLD HAIR!  THE SOLID GOLD PISSER.

LMAO!!!!!! DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A BLOOD.    

Look at that...OLD SKOOL MESSED UP HAIR!!!!

--hey, don't get caught slippin'

--Luxe Brown

Why I LOVE Wendy Williams

Yeah, that's right! I said it, (sniff, sniff) I love Wendy Williams. Wendy, girl, I know some folks call you a tranny and say that you buy bargain bin weave. (Ok, that last one was me.) I know that some folk say that you should come clean about your husband's infidelities and stop wearing lipstick inappropriate for your skin tone.

FORGET THEM ALL WENDY!

You are the realest red carpet reporter out there. While I could never be you, I appreciate how you ask intrusive, completely irrelevant questions of my favorite stars. Seriously, its hilarious! Plus, the streets want to know and we need someone to ask. Finally, a commentator with some balls! (No inference intended.) Plus, your skin is the bomb.

Ladies of the world give Wendy a hand.

--Make a new friend today. SIKE!

Guest Poster

White Girls CAN Have Great Weaves

Yeah, I just saw this chick rocking a bargain bin weave ponytail. She was not too unlike our good friend Brit in the pic. (Although I will say this pic of Brit is old. She has been looking decent as of late.) My message is simple, buy human hair my white sisters. Save yourself the horrible pain and agony of looking like a Barbie doll that has been sitting in the bottom of toy chest for the past 15 years. (sigh) I just want all of you to know (as I wipe away my tears), that great weaves are for everyone. Just ask J. Simp.

Nuff said, nuff said. Although she could use a lesson from the Asian lady on how to match colors.



--Get a good weave or go natural.
Guest Poster

What NOT to do at Work

I love lists, as you have seen, but I hate my job. Even more than disliking my job, I dislike people that have no office etiquette. (HEY buddy, what did you learn on your internship. Geez.) So, I have listed the most flagrant violations below.

Workers of the world, NEVER do the following:

• Have phone sex. Yes, that even includes freaky innuendos. You would be amazed at what I just heard through my thin cubby walls. (Ewwww)

• Talk about your other co-workers. Once I was ranting about a decision that I hated only to have the person in question walk in while I was in the midst thereof. Damn that cubby wall for blocking my vision! Now, it didn't get me fired, but it did lose me friends for about a year.

• Play unedited music. Nope, I don't care if its "conscious," by your relative or given to your personally from Jay-Z. No means, no. (sigh)
  

• Eat fish in small quarters. Nuff said, nuff said.

• Update your blog. Unless, of course, you have the cubby in the back corner where no one can see you. Yeah for me!!!

Holla baller.

--Forget what the books says. Eat lunch alone today! Its the new black.

Guest Poster

Beauty Treatments for the Average Woman

For the rest of the month I am fasting. Not from food, but from gossip blogs. (sigh) I agreed to give up Perez Hilton, bossip, ybf, concreteloop and anything else that will report on Brangelina's absurd $14 mil for twin pics, Beyonce's newest purse or the most recent hip hop beef. Geez, its sure hard. That just means that your guest poster will be here with you longer! (please, please, stop the cheering. you may all take your seats.) So, as I abstain from the super-celebrity, I thought that I would give you beauty fixes that real life women should try.

Ok, so definitely go get threaded. Just try not to get cut in the process. Take it from a woman who has more hair than should be allowed. (OMG, I hope I didn't destroy my boyfriend's illusion of me.) Threading is the way to go. I stumbled in after my normal aesthetician had an emergency. At that point I already had a mustache beard. I wandered into a different salon and was told that I could get threaded...yes, I did it and I'm not sorry. It gets closer than waxing, is all natural, and didn't irritate my VERY sensitive skin. Plus, its a bit cheaper.

Get a fish pedicure. Yeah, I was surprised too. But for roughly $45 you can stick your hard, crusty feet in a basin of teeny fish and pull them out as smooth as the day you were born.

This uber fashionable woman in my office always has unchipped, shiny as metal nails. You know what she uses? Yep, the stuff in the picture--Seche Vite. As soon as I finish this blog, I'm going to grab some. A-list here I come! Seriously, go get you some. Your nails looks a little worn.

Lastly, try a butt wax. I've never done this, but I'm told that you will never go back again. (clearing throat.) Hey, put down that phone! You don't really need this done! Oh, you're right. You don't really need any of this stuff. All of these can be replaced with a little TLC at home.

Always remember to love yourself as you are.

--Guest Poster

How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship

(6 Ways to Make it Work Across Zip Codes)
By: The Luxe Mystery Poster

My boyfriend of 6 months has moved 2007.05 miles away. Yes, thanks to Mapquest, I know the exact number of miles and minutes that there are between the 2 of us. Before he lived just a few hours down the road. I looked online for reasonable suggestions on how to make this work and (sigh) realized that I must find my own.

6) Reconnect with your friends. Yep, I know you chicks and dudes who get with someone, fall in love/lust and loose your mind. You really don't have any friends because you dropped them all to spend every waking moment with your boo. You know what I'm going to say. Invite them all out. Buy the first round of drinks. Invite yourself back into their lives. They'll welcome you. Besides, you're going to need their support. OH! A word of advice, don't while about your baby.

5) Clarify expectations. If there is a time difference, when is it too late to call? How often will you visit? Should you bring your dog/child/mother/friend(s) when you come? If so, where will they all stay? How often will they come to visit you? (That last question is sooooo good!) Stop beating around the bush and tell that man/woman what you expect from them. Trust me, when you get bitter from not seeing your honey things turn oooooogly fast!

4) Get a second job. No, seriously. If you're not independently wealthy imagine the dilemma that you will face when it comes time to buy that plane ticket/ fill your gas tank to visit that man or woman. Not to mention that when you arrive you actually need to do something. Getting a second job will prevent you from thinking, "Should I pay my mortgage/rent or should I go visit my sweetie?" Plus, you really do want something to do in those extra hours of the night. That brings me to my next point.

3) Get a vibrator or take a vow of celibacy. The Christian in me wants to emphasize the latter of the two options. Really, I stand by and employ that method. It will make your relationship, spiritual and romantic, much better. But some of you don't share that sentiment and, thus, you need to hasten to Hustler to buy thyself a toy. Hey, this is not a joke! Better to drop $20 bucks now than to creep. I mean, its so hard to hide your on the side piece when your significant other comes to town. Plus, karma is a beast.

2) Be honest. If you want to exit the relationship or need a break, tell the other person. Please!

1) Communicate, communicate, communicate! This is the most serious of all of these suggestions. The smallest word means so much when distance is an issue. Keep each other informed on what going in your lives. While what you ate for lunch is irrelevant, sharing your accomplishments, frustrations and struggles will make the other person feel included. (As a female, let me say that women especially need inclusion.) Even an email with a funny joke or observation will work. With texts and PDAs there is no excuse why the other person should feel cut out of your life.

Best of luck!

SCIENCE PROVES IT!!!!

The myth that ugly people make the prettiest children is no longer a myth.  Utah Polytechnic A&M College of Genetics has conducted a 2 year study in which the countries ugliest people we involved.  Director of Genetics, Dr. Wong Lee Jackson, stated, "the dominant gene, UMF 12 found in what society calls ugly people, reacts with other UMF 12 genes to form desireable results in offspring."  The most ground breaking of results are found in an experiment that resulted in this:

Even more surprising the parents were:

 

AND

--i guess my kids have a chance

Luxe Brown

I WANNA START A UGLY TOURNAMENT

OKAY ROUND 1

Shabba Ranks

VS.

 

  

ODB

You Decide?!?!?!

--awww ain't she precious

Luxe Brown

ANYBODY REMEMBER THIS GUY????

"HAH!!! Now what i look like?" I'll tell you.  Every other bad ass kid that I was in 8th grade with.  Remember when the lyrical phenom, now wanted  for murdering all 18 tracks on the newly released The Carter III, used to look like this.  Im in a bit of a battle with my little sister. See, the  trina dating, tatted up, voicebox using, man kissin rapper now know as Weezy F Baby, is the only Lil Wayne she knows.  But i told her the Drop it Like it's Hot, the block is hot, the block is hot...hot...hot!, I need a project chick, a hoodrat chick, Lil Wayne was the truth.  Oh man....how things change.

Talk about comin' up.  Forget "rags to riches" Wayne went from "crack to 'caine".  LMAO!!!!  Do you see him in a photo shoot sporting a "Tommy Gear" wave cap from the Chinese Store.  And look at Juve, lookin all friendly and stuff.  "look ma i got a record deal!"  Yeah Wayne tell BAPE this is how you used to roll.  But I'm glad to see you come up Weezy.  Do ya thang potna!

One last one:

"Fly as a mutha....High as a mutha".....MY ASS!!!

--still LMAO

Luxe Brown

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMM...

This morning over soggy cereal and magazines I've read plenty of times too many, I began thinking about a flight that I took from Atlanta to Houston.  What about it? Well this was the first flight that I can ever remember having not one, but two Black pilots.  Quick...should fight to contain myself from celebrating publicly by running through the aisles screaming "Hah! We about to fly this mutha!"?  Or do do I remain dignified and simply swallow my shared feelings of accomplishment and wash it down with a half a can of Coke?  Well, with my tray table lifted and locked, my seat back in the upright position, and my cell phone and all other electronic devices turned off, I prepared for take off and made ready to sleep for the duration of the flight.  But hundreds of uneasy thoughts soon woke me.  "Do these brothers really know what the hell they doin?" "Is there a white man on the ground with radio just in case the alternator goes out on the plane?" "Is it gas in it?" Even more disturbing was my analysis as to why I had these thoughts.  Is it that I don't easily identify Black people as pilots? Maybe I do. Let's face it, it's not the most popular profession among Blacks.  But am i surprised that he is a pilot, or that he had what it took to become a pilot.  I'm really in a bit of a moral dilemma here.  I'm afraid that like me, many Black people have began to make jobs race specific.  As to say that a job is a "Black person's job" or a "White person's job".  Well this is what i propose.  I believe that we should stop seeing the accomplishments of our fellow Blacks as anomalies or deviations from what is natural.  When a Black person succeeds, it should be the norm. It should simply be us doing what we do and doing it well. 

--find freedom in elevation

Luxe Brown

ODE TO THE FOREHEAD

In some countries it may be considered a sign of wealth or beauty.  Unfortunately here in America, a big forehead is just plain funny.  Here's to some of Hollywood's biggest foreheads.

Note: Thanks to supported research from the FFRA (Federal Forehead Research Administration), instituted in 2003 under an amendment to the Geneva Convention, I will be using the Wolfienheiser Scale which measures in 4/head units. 

  

Well, Let's get started.  I don't even know who Mena Suvari is. Official Measurement: 3.5 4/head.

Hey Hey Reesey Cup!! Don't pull 

your hair back. It's like you want us to admire your forehead. Your wish is my command. 

Official Measurement:  2.5/4head  

Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn Mr. Agent Man.  Looks like Neo beat the hell outta you with a refrigerator door handle.  I know that man gotta be a psychic or something.   

Official Measurement: 4 4/head easy.

Don't get slick and try to fool us here.  We know you got a big forehead.  Look, she tried to use bangs to cover it up.  WE GOTCHA!!!!

Official Measurement: 5.2 4/head 

Rihanna...I LOVE YOU.  But I can see a striking resemblance here.  Where do you shop for um-ber-ellas...ellas...ellas big enough to keep that forehead dry?  Maybe she gets them specially made.   

Official Measurement: 7.1 4/head

--no funny sign off today

Luxe Brown

SHE IS SO COOL !!!

I'm not sure who this is but i really like her music.  I wonder is she like the Japanese version of Madonna? Or may be a Gwen Stefani of the East?  Either way check her out.

I give her 3/5.  She's not the world's greatest singer, but watching her on stage makes me happy. She looks like she is having so much fun.   guess that's what new age disco does.  I"m gonna go get my skates and a pair of gold volleyball shorts and have at it! 

--"...disco isn't dead, she gave it CPR!"

Luxe Brown

Gospel Music Gets Some Juice!!!!

Hidden Beach Can't Hide Onitsha

Welcome to the story of America's Next Top Churchgirl.  If you thought you had gospel music figured out, you should really guess again.  Hidden Beach's Onitsha La'Quis Shaw, otherwise known as simply Onitsha, graced us with her 2007 debut album Churchgirl.  Borrowing the deeply synthesized sounds and mechanical rhythms, until now exclusive to hip hop, Churchgirl can be bumped with the best of your music collection.  With songs like Don't Give Up, This Is Serious and He Is, she delivers both music and message in what can easily be described as KeKe Sheard meets Brandy.   Listeners are also in for a suprise the the album boasts guest appearances from R&B icons Deborah Cox and gospel sensations Mary Mary and Coko, formally of SWV.  Sharing a record label with the likes of Jill Scott and Kindred, Onitsha is definitely in the right company.  This is definitely  a name on the horizon, sure to change everything we thought we knew about gospel music.  

Be sure to check out her site here. Her album is also available on iTunes.  

--simply said, "don't give up"

Luxe Brown

This may help somebody.....

How do you tell someone their breath needs...assistance?

During my nightly conversation with my loving girlfriend of now 7 months, ["...i love you babycakes!"] The way she tells the story, she and a friend went out for a fun filled night on the town.  Pretty ordinary, Right? But went on to tell me that her company asked her if she had any gum.  With confidence in her thorough oral hygene regiment, she replied, "No."  So as the night progress they made their from spot to spot enjoying the night sky and the interesting people under it.  It was only after her company purchased a pack of Certs and handed to her, did she begin to question if she was as "fresh as she thought".  So she called me to ask if her breath was in need of assistance?  Well, since I was approximately 1129 miles away and i cant afford the taste and smell plan from Sprint, I gave her a confident No.  " I love the way your breath smells baby."  She eventually made a full recovery from what was surely an awkward moment between her, her company, her breath, and the Certs. 

MY ANALYSIS:

The brother was real smooth with how he said something that can be really difficult to say, DAMN!!! YOUR BREATH IS OFFENSIVE!!!  See what I mean.  That's as polite as I can get.  My question is how would you have handled it?  

--well a rose is a rose, no matter the fragrance?

Luxe Brown   

Am I the only one who misses Dave Chappelle??

IM RICH BI@*%H!!!!!

For those of you offended, its obvious that you and approximately seventeen other Americans are not a Dave Chappelle fans.  

For those of us who are.  WHERE IS HE?? WHATS HE DOIN?? Most importantly, when can we see Tyrone eating a peanutbutter and crack sandwich again. He left our sides split with two seasons of, in my opinion, one of the best sketch comedy shows in our lifetime, and while still under construction, www.davechappelle.com reports that a 3rd season is scheduled to be released showing anxious fans what he was working on just before leaving comedy central.  Way to go Dave!  But for those who can't live without the Davester, you can always pop in those Season 1 &2 DVD's and get your fix. 

--"...go from ashy to classy!"

Luxe Brown  

      

Jesse Jesse Jesse......tisk tisk.

The new #1 on Black People's Most Hated List!

At a time when the eyes of black people are glued to CNN to hope that "CHANGE" finds it way to the White House, Jesse Jackson went and said some foolishness like that about Barack Obama.  WHY JESSE??? WHY???  

For those who don't have electricity and haven't heard the story, here it goes...

On the set of "FOX  and Friends", believe me it was  Lights, Camera, and ACTION.  Jackson reportedly made some less than admirable remarks regarding Presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.  Thanks to a FOX emplyee, whose responsibility was to transcribe the audio from the days broadcast, noted Jackson accusing Obama with "talking down to black people" and even noted that he "wanted to cut his nuts off".  

  

Things only brings about one question...WHY JESSE?  Well lets wade through the pool of speculations and try to see the incident as one of two things, either an OFF MIC COMMENT that should have never been made public, or a deliberate attempt to try and stop Barack-O-Bot. 

Whatever the case Jesse, Mom summed it up best.  If you can't say anything nice..... You all know the rest.

--"....mic check 1...2...3.  Is this thing on?"

Luxe Brown

Welcome to The Luxe Files!!!!!

Hello world!!!!!

I love this place called America!!! Why? Because in spite of the way the abuse of technology has played a pivotal part in ravishing the moral fabric of society, when used properly it allows for the free flow of ideas and opinions through a phenomenon called blogging.  So, with that said here's mine. Hope everyone enjoys it.  If not WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR SENATOR OR SOMETHING!!!! IF THAT DOESN'T WORK...KICK ROCKS!!

luxe brown for president.