How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship

(6 Ways to Make it Work Across Zip Codes)
By: The Luxe Mystery Poster

My boyfriend of 6 months has moved 2007.05 miles away. Yes, thanks to Mapquest, I know the exact number of miles and minutes that there are between the 2 of us. Before he lived just a few hours down the road. I looked online for reasonable suggestions on how to make this work and (sigh) realized that I must find my own.

6) Reconnect with your friends. Yep, I know you chicks and dudes who get with someone, fall in love/lust and loose your mind. You really don't have any friends because you dropped them all to spend every waking moment with your boo. You know what I'm going to say. Invite them all out. Buy the first round of drinks. Invite yourself back into their lives. They'll welcome you. Besides, you're going to need their support. OH! A word of advice, don't while about your baby.

5) Clarify expectations. If there is a time difference, when is it too late to call? How often will you visit? Should you bring your dog/child/mother/friend(s) when you come? If so, where will they all stay? How often will they come to visit you? (That last question is sooooo good!) Stop beating around the bush and tell that man/woman what you expect from them. Trust me, when you get bitter from not seeing your honey things turn oooooogly fast!

4) Get a second job. No, seriously. If you're not independently wealthy imagine the dilemma that you will face when it comes time to buy that plane ticket/ fill your gas tank to visit that man or woman. Not to mention that when you arrive you actually need to do something. Getting a second job will prevent you from thinking, "Should I pay my mortgage/rent or should I go visit my sweetie?" Plus, you really do want something to do in those extra hours of the night. That brings me to my next point.

3) Get a vibrator or take a vow of celibacy. The Christian in me wants to emphasize the latter of the two options. Really, I stand by and employ that method. It will make your relationship, spiritual and romantic, much better. But some of you don't share that sentiment and, thus, you need to hasten to Hustler to buy thyself a toy. Hey, this is not a joke! Better to drop $20 bucks now than to creep. I mean, its so hard to hide your on the side piece when your significant other comes to town. Plus, karma is a beast.

2) Be honest. If you want to exit the relationship or need a break, tell the other person. Please!

1) Communicate, communicate, communicate! This is the most serious of all of these suggestions. The smallest word means so much when distance is an issue. Keep each other informed on what going in your lives. While what you ate for lunch is irrelevant, sharing your accomplishments, frustrations and struggles will make the other person feel included. (As a female, let me say that women especially need inclusion.) Even an email with a funny joke or observation will work. With texts and PDAs there is no excuse why the other person should feel cut out of your life.

Best of luck!

SCIENCE PROVES IT!!!!

The myth that ugly people make the prettiest children is no longer a myth.  Utah Polytechnic A&M College of Genetics has conducted a 2 year study in which the countries ugliest people we involved.  Director of Genetics, Dr. Wong Lee Jackson, stated, "the dominant gene, UMF 12 found in what society calls ugly people, reacts with other UMF 12 genes to form desireable results in offspring."  The most ground breaking of results are found in an experiment that resulted in this:

Even more surprising the parents were:

 

AND

--i guess my kids have a chance

Luxe Brown

I WANNA START A UGLY TOURNAMENT

OKAY ROUND 1

Shabba Ranks

VS.

 

  

ODB

You Decide?!?!?!

--awww ain't she precious

Luxe Brown

ANYBODY REMEMBER THIS GUY????

"HAH!!! Now what i look like?" I'll tell you.  Every other bad ass kid that I was in 8th grade with.  Remember when the lyrical phenom, now wanted  for murdering all 18 tracks on the newly released The Carter III, used to look like this.  Im in a bit of a battle with my little sister. See, the  trina dating, tatted up, voicebox using, man kissin rapper now know as Weezy F Baby, is the only Lil Wayne she knows.  But i told her the Drop it Like it's Hot, the block is hot, the block is hot...hot...hot!, I need a project chick, a hoodrat chick, Lil Wayne was the truth.  Oh man....how things change.

Talk about comin' up.  Forget "rags to riches" Wayne went from "crack to 'caine".  LMAO!!!!  Do you see him in a photo shoot sporting a "Tommy Gear" wave cap from the Chinese Store.  And look at Juve, lookin all friendly and stuff.  "look ma i got a record deal!"  Yeah Wayne tell BAPE this is how you used to roll.  But I'm glad to see you come up Weezy.  Do ya thang potna!

One last one:

"Fly as a mutha....High as a mutha".....MY ASS!!!

--still LMAO

Luxe Brown

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMM...

This morning over soggy cereal and magazines I've read plenty of times too many, I began thinking about a flight that I took from Atlanta to Houston.  What about it? Well this was the first flight that I can ever remember having not one, but two Black pilots.  Quick...should fight to contain myself from celebrating publicly by running through the aisles screaming "Hah! We about to fly this mutha!"?  Or do do I remain dignified and simply swallow my shared feelings of accomplishment and wash it down with a half a can of Coke?  Well, with my tray table lifted and locked, my seat back in the upright position, and my cell phone and all other electronic devices turned off, I prepared for take off and made ready to sleep for the duration of the flight.  But hundreds of uneasy thoughts soon woke me.  "Do these brothers really know what the hell they doin?" "Is there a white man on the ground with radio just in case the alternator goes out on the plane?" "Is it gas in it?" Even more disturbing was my analysis as to why I had these thoughts.  Is it that I don't easily identify Black people as pilots? Maybe I do. Let's face it, it's not the most popular profession among Blacks.  But am i surprised that he is a pilot, or that he had what it took to become a pilot.  I'm really in a bit of a moral dilemma here.  I'm afraid that like me, many Black people have began to make jobs race specific.  As to say that a job is a "Black person's job" or a "White person's job".  Well this is what i propose.  I believe that we should stop seeing the accomplishments of our fellow Blacks as anomalies or deviations from what is natural.  When a Black person succeeds, it should be the norm. It should simply be us doing what we do and doing it well. 

--find freedom in elevation

Luxe Brown

ODE TO THE FOREHEAD

In some countries it may be considered a sign of wealth or beauty.  Unfortunately here in America, a big forehead is just plain funny.  Here's to some of Hollywood's biggest foreheads.

Note: Thanks to supported research from the FFRA (Federal Forehead Research Administration), instituted in 2003 under an amendment to the Geneva Convention, I will be using the Wolfienheiser Scale which measures in 4/head units. 

  

Well, Let's get started.  I don't even know who Mena Suvari is. Official Measurement: 3.5 4/head.

Hey Hey Reesey Cup!! Don't pull 

your hair back. It's like you want us to admire your forehead. Your wish is my command. 

Official Measurement:  2.5/4head  

Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn Mr. Agent Man.  Looks like Neo beat the hell outta you with a refrigerator door handle.  I know that man gotta be a psychic or something.   

Official Measurement: 4 4/head easy.

Don't get slick and try to fool us here.  We know you got a big forehead.  Look, she tried to use bangs to cover it up.  WE GOTCHA!!!!

Official Measurement: 5.2 4/head 

Rihanna...I LOVE YOU.  But I can see a striking resemblance here.  Where do you shop for um-ber-ellas...ellas...ellas big enough to keep that forehead dry?  Maybe she gets them specially made.   

Official Measurement: 7.1 4/head

--no funny sign off today

Luxe Brown

SHE IS SO COOL !!!

I'm not sure who this is but i really like her music.  I wonder is she like the Japanese version of Madonna? Or may be a Gwen Stefani of the East?  Either way check her out.

I give her 3/5.  She's not the world's greatest singer, but watching her on stage makes me happy. She looks like she is having so much fun.   guess that's what new age disco does.  I"m gonna go get my skates and a pair of gold volleyball shorts and have at it! 

--"...disco isn't dead, she gave it CPR!"

Luxe Brown

Gospel Music Gets Some Juice!!!!

Hidden Beach Can't Hide Onitsha

Welcome to the story of America's Next Top Churchgirl.  If you thought you had gospel music figured out, you should really guess again.  Hidden Beach's Onitsha La'Quis Shaw, otherwise known as simply Onitsha, graced us with her 2007 debut album Churchgirl.  Borrowing the deeply synthesized sounds and mechanical rhythms, until now exclusive to hip hop, Churchgirl can be bumped with the best of your music collection.  With songs like Don't Give Up, This Is Serious and He Is, she delivers both music and message in what can easily be described as KeKe Sheard meets Brandy.   Listeners are also in for a suprise the the album boasts guest appearances from R&B icons Deborah Cox and gospel sensations Mary Mary and Coko, formally of SWV.  Sharing a record label with the likes of Jill Scott and Kindred, Onitsha is definitely in the right company.  This is definitely  a name on the horizon, sure to change everything we thought we knew about gospel music.  

Be sure to check out her site here. Her album is also available on iTunes.  

--simply said, "don't give up"

Luxe Brown

This may help somebody.....

How do you tell someone their breath needs...assistance?

During my nightly conversation with my loving girlfriend of now 7 months, ["...i love you babycakes!"] The way she tells the story, she and a friend went out for a fun filled night on the town.  Pretty ordinary, Right? But went on to tell me that her company asked her if she had any gum.  With confidence in her thorough oral hygene regiment, she replied, "No."  So as the night progress they made their from spot to spot enjoying the night sky and the interesting people under it.  It was only after her company purchased a pack of Certs and handed to her, did she begin to question if she was as "fresh as she thought".  So she called me to ask if her breath was in need of assistance?  Well, since I was approximately 1129 miles away and i cant afford the taste and smell plan from Sprint, I gave her a confident No.  " I love the way your breath smells baby."  She eventually made a full recovery from what was surely an awkward moment between her, her company, her breath, and the Certs. 

MY ANALYSIS:

The brother was real smooth with how he said something that can be really difficult to say, DAMN!!! YOUR BREATH IS OFFENSIVE!!!  See what I mean.  That's as polite as I can get.  My question is how would you have handled it?  

--well a rose is a rose, no matter the fragrance?

Luxe Brown   

Am I the only one who misses Dave Chappelle??

IM RICH BI@*%H!!!!!

For those of you offended, its obvious that you and approximately seventeen other Americans are not a Dave Chappelle fans.  

For those of us who are.  WHERE IS HE?? WHATS HE DOIN?? Most importantly, when can we see Tyrone eating a peanutbutter and crack sandwich again. He left our sides split with two seasons of, in my opinion, one of the best sketch comedy shows in our lifetime, and while still under construction, www.davechappelle.com reports that a 3rd season is scheduled to be released showing anxious fans what he was working on just before leaving comedy central.  Way to go Dave!  But for those who can't live without the Davester, you can always pop in those Season 1 &2 DVD's and get your fix. 

--"...go from ashy to classy!"

Luxe Brown  

      

Jesse Jesse Jesse......tisk tisk.

The new #1 on Black People's Most Hated List!

At a time when the eyes of black people are glued to CNN to hope that "CHANGE" finds it way to the White House, Jesse Jackson went and said some foolishness like that about Barack Obama.  WHY JESSE??? WHY???  

For those who don't have electricity and haven't heard the story, here it goes...

On the set of "FOX  and Friends", believe me it was  Lights, Camera, and ACTION.  Jackson reportedly made some less than admirable remarks regarding Presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.  Thanks to a FOX emplyee, whose responsibility was to transcribe the audio from the days broadcast, noted Jackson accusing Obama with "talking down to black people" and even noted that he "wanted to cut his nuts off".  

  

Things only brings about one question...WHY JESSE?  Well lets wade through the pool of speculations and try to see the incident as one of two things, either an OFF MIC COMMENT that should have never been made public, or a deliberate attempt to try and stop Barack-O-Bot. 

Whatever the case Jesse, Mom summed it up best.  If you can't say anything nice..... You all know the rest.

--"....mic check 1...2...3.  Is this thing on?"

Luxe Brown

Welcome to The Luxe Files!!!!!

Hello world!!!!!

I love this place called America!!! Why? Because in spite of the way the abuse of technology has played a pivotal part in ravishing the moral fabric of society, when used properly it allows for the free flow of ideas and opinions through a phenomenon called blogging.  So, with that said here's mine. Hope everyone enjoys it.  If not WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR SENATOR OR SOMETHING!!!! IF THAT DOESN'T WORK...KICK ROCKS!!

luxe brown for president.